My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
