I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize