Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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