What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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