So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
