I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
