If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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