i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
