Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
