Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
