When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
don't judge my taste in strippers
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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