I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
