Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I've blown a few things in my day
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
