best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
