ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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