You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
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