Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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