There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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