I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
