is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You're a waste of cheezeits
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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