Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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