My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
