Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize