I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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