you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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