come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
