I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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