I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
