You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
