Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
