Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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