Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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