Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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