does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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