mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
