The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You ruined the universe
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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