I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
