He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
do nipples grow back?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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