I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
