I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
