it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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