Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
