My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
