Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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