your parents love me but you hate me
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
