Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
