Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
