And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
