Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
