I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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