Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
that is very illegal...i love you.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
