I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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