this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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