if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
