I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
If I had your ass I would rule the world
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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