maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
zippers are such a cool invention
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
