I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
