Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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