it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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