Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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