I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
