My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
