The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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