When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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