Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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